Dreadfully, dreadfully sorry. I got it all wrong. Worse, I got it all completely upside down.
Lady Resourceful and I were listening to Radio 4 this morning and there was discussion about some bank - I think they're called IBS or RBS - whose honchos are apparently holding the country hostage.
Specifically, they're threatening to take early retirement and head off to eke out the rest of their days on yachts if the government prevents them from giving their staff Christmas hampers filled with golden statuettes of contorted taxpayers.
That at least was the gist. And I scoffed loudly and said, 'Look, this is surely the most easily solved problem of the recession.'
Lady Resourceful sighed, perhaps with pleasure at the idea of one of my insightful and very lengthy speeches.
'The solution, you ask?' I cried, waving a piece of toast. 'Just this, my dear. Tell those fat cats that they can hand out as many bonuses as they like, as soon as they have reimbursed the public for bailing them out.'
According to Radio 4, though, this is not an option.
Why? Because if RBS don't give out millions in bonuses to the nincompoops who messed up the bank in the first place, the nincompoops will all jump ship and go to work for Andrew Sachs, or something. And that, apparently, could jeopardise our chances of getting our money back from RBS.
'What!' I exclaimed. 'Surely if RBS have money to give to their nincompoops, they have money to give back to us. And if they're prioritising paying their staff over paying their debt to the public now, then we're clearly never going to see our money.'
Apparently nobody on Radio 4 could see this.
I continued raving, while trying to stop Lady Resourceful from leaving the room.
'But looky here! If we hadn't given the bank so much money to bail it out, those nincompoops would have had to find new jobs anyway. Surely the nincompoops aren't now going to insist on reaping millions of pounds while their debt to the tax-paying public goes unpaid?'
Apparently those nincompoops would all be perfectly happy to desert RBS if they didn't get millions of pounds, as well as Christmas jumpers made entirely of material from the shirts off tax-payers' backs.
'Well, let the bankers threaten to leave!' I laughed, clutching my sides 'I don't fancy their chances of getting jobs with this Goldman Sachs establishment. After all, who would hire a bunch of people who first buggered up a bank through sheer incompetence, then accepted a huge public payout, and then abandoned their employer for not paying them huge bonuses without any thought for the folks who've kept them afloat?'
Apparently, RBS's rivals would happily snap up these nincompoops.
It's a real eye-opener, I tell you, for someone whose work involves helping people get jobs. I always thought it helped to a) be a good employee and b) show prospective employers that you are a good employee.
Oh, I've heard the argument that the good bankers, the ones who didn't gamble our money away while evincing zero prudential thinking, deserve the financial perks associated with their chosen profession, and that if they don't get them, they'll either walk, leaving only bad bankers to run the bank, or they'll lack any incentive to carry on performing well, and will thus turn, Jekyll-like, into bad bankers themselves.
But surely this (insane) argument highlights the crucial issue here:
Since when has being a 'good' employee been reconcilable with being the kind of person who is motivated only by money, who lacks any company loyalty whatsoever, and who has no sense of obligation towards the vast bulk of one's customers?
In my book, and given that a bank is (um) supposed to look after its customers' money, 'good' bankers would be prepared to do without cash windfalls until their debt to the public is paid. Otherwise, nobody has any reason to call them 'good', except as a joke.
And as for incentivisation - surely a 'good' banker will be motivated enough if you say, 'Come on, guys - let's pay what we owe and then we can get back to clawing in the millions?' How on earth is that a hard pill to swallow?
Surely a 'good' banker will want to get the debt to the taxpayer settled as soon as possible by contributing energetically to the bank's health, and will accept that any money paid in bonuses before that reimbursement is essentially stolen?
Apparently not.
Reader, I have an apology to make. I have been advising people to spend job interviews seeking to demonstrate that they are loyal employees whose interests go beyond the purely financial. I have been wrong. Apparently nobody cares about that sort of thing any more.
My advice to the government? Accept those boss' resignations and let decent humans take their place.
My advice to the public? Don't bank with RBS.
Related, ish:
new employment law: you can't fire employees who believe things
too much democracy in ireland
scams on linkedin: single mom's teeth drop two dress-sizes thanks to simple pact with satan
in the bloghouse (or, is blogging wrong?)
do you know the people you work with?
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